Bet you didn’t know we did elections at the Wizard of Monadnock.
Until a couple weeks ago, neither did me.
How and when exactly this little endeavor came to me, I can’t quite recall. The fact of the matter is, I sprang right into action, putting together a democratic election apparatus and inventing bylaws and setting into motion a campaign operation – not a campaign operation designed to promote a particular candidate, but one to promote voting itself. Or at least voting in this particular special election.
Just think of the way it will feel to know you’re a member of the unaccountable elite!
There’s papers and maps everywhere, strewn throughout the room. Calculations and poll data, marketing information and analytics trickling in from highly-regarded consultants throughout the US. The wire is humming at all times and many cigarettes are being smoked by staffers and volunteers alike. We’re in business and it all comes down to this week and everybody knows it and loves it even if they know there won’t be any sleep til a couple days after St. Patrick’s Day. But nobody here has any choice – all of us know, this is the work we must do. This is the life we have chosen. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. And hold onto your butts.
What does all of this mean, and what happened to my normal spring equinox post?
Valid questions, friends and pilgrims. Don’t worry, folks – I’ll be sure and take some time later in the week to tell you how you should know what you want to grow this year and have your seeds pretty much all ready by the time the Equinox rolls around next Monday. I know you’re expecting that and I won’t let you down. But what’s all this other shit I’m talking about and why?
Well, in some iron-serious but also whimsical way, it occurred to me that one way I need to plant my spring seeds is by spending the next three months working on a Special Spring Project™ – writing a short book, in other words. It’s been over three years since my last little novella went up on Amazon, and I’ve spent the bulk of that time wishing and hoping and praying (etc.) to write another one. And the time has come.
But despite any lingering aspirations toward dictatorship I may yet harbor, I wanted this springtime event to celebrate and promote democracy, real democracy as it exists today. So I put things to a vote on Facebook, with 8 project candidates. And like I said, this is about real democracy as it is – so when subscribers on Patreon vote, their votes count for more. That’s the power of a dollar – where is the lie?
I even made a special campaign video to explain all this – check it out for all the fullest detail, not to mention a chance to see the Wizard sing for the first time publicly in Wizard of Monadnock history (!!).
We had very little time to get all of these together, so we worked round the clock, patching our equipment together with electrical tape, spit, and prayer, and we launched the first round of 8 candidates. Here’s the text from the original FB post:
**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: HELP ME PICK MY SPECIAL SPRING PROJECT AND SUPPORT TRUE DEMOCRACY**
All right, friends and pilgrims, here’s the deal: I’m going to do a big wizard project between the spring equinox on March 20 and the summer solstice – my favorite time – on June 21.
But what kind of special spring project are we talking, here? Well, that’s up to you. Below, you will find several options I am willing to take on. Pick which one you think is the best. Tell me in the comments. Voting starts now and will continue until 11:59 pm on March 19. Whichever one gets the most votes from all of you dear people will be the project I commit to doing. Simple as that.
Well, almost. See, here at the Wizard of Monadnock, we hold a deep belief in true democracy from the real world. We need this to be like a real election. Accordingly, the votes of paying subscribers who’ve signed up on Patreon will count for *more* than the votes of the rest of you. It’s basic proper democracy. So you’ve got two options here: buy your way to victory by becoming a patron here – www.patreon.com/wizardofmonadnock – or rally the masses to a common candidate to overrule the oligarchs. Up to you.
Here’s the options. What I really want to do is write a book, so most of the options are book ideas. But in case any of you hate the idea of books, I’ve included a couple other ideas as well:
1. A portfolio of song lyrics
2. A collection of Monadnock Region myths that paint a picture of this world and the worlds beyond it
3. A short book detailing my experiences with Mount Monadnock and the effect it’s had on my life
4. A musical about Hollywood and the Trump administration
5. A short book about my attempts to shoehorn meaningful myth and spirit into a late capitalist office environment
6. “Safehouse Road” – a short crime novel about occult smugglers and underground figures throughout southern New Hampshire
7. “The Imprintists” – a short novel about a benevolent present-day apocalyptic cult and how they turn the world upside down before it ends
8. Some sort of blog-based serial fiction
OK actually, a couple more quirks in the rules, for now:
-Any angry reacts will be counted as Wild Card Votes that I will assign to a candidate of my choice. No other type of react shall be counted as any kind of vote
-If we arrive upon the 15th or 16th with two clear front-runners unable to achieve a majority, I will kill all the other options and throw down a RUNOFF.
The polls are open. It’s on you now.
First Round Results
After several NAIL-BITING days at HQ, fielding calls and making them, cranking and hustling our makeshift GOTV operation to its maximum potential, and here’s the final vote tally from the first round – numbers found only here, exclusively, for the very first time:
From these raw numbers, our analysts set about running predictive models using algorithms we barely had the computing power to utilize. But right off the bat, we can tell a couple of things: nobody wants to hear about miserable office settings (#5) or the half-assed option I should have known better than t include in the first place (#8). And fortunately, only one clown thought a “Trump Goes to LA” musical would be a good idea. The whole team – myself included – was worried about what we would actually do if the internet went rogue and voted en masse for an option I really only included because I’d promised so half as a joke while on the air in the midst of Episode 4 of the Wizard of Monadnock Radio Hour.
Then there’s the obvious fact – #6, the CRIME NOVEL – is far and away the favorite, in no small part on the strength of powerful Patron Votes. None of us here at Election HQ were surprised to see this daring and intriguing spin on the crime novel as the front-runner, but at the same time, none of us were expecting the result to be so lop-sided. Nonetheless, at 45% of the total, #6 still lacked a majority. Plus, we always intended to boost some of the other options and give them one last chance. So now it’s runoff time.
A Vernal Equinox Runoff
The vote is totally wide open again, except now it’s down to three options. In fact, I’m going to include a poll below directly within this post so you don’t have to click over to Facebook or Patreon if you don’t feel like it.
Everyone here is excited because participation seems to be increasing daily. Our goal for the runoff is to have twice – or more – the votes we received in the first round. As ever, we need your help for that.
And remember, too, if you really want to use the power of your purse – AS IS YOUR RIGHT! – to influence this election in an outside way, you gotta do more than just vote below. You gotta click over to Patreon and sign up to be a subscriber. Just think of the way it will feel to know you’re a member of the unaccountable elite! (Of course, let’s not forget, that’s not all you get for being a subscriber – there’s also a monthly patrons-only meditation at the $1 level, a monthly patrons-only rant on top of that at the $5 level, and if you’ve really got a hole burning in your pocket and wanna go higher than that, the rewards really get wild.
Well, here’s your chance. Rock the vote: