Monday Evening News Hash – 11/5/12

First, we discovered that Mark Halperin is still dumb, and then we found that George Bush is still an asshole. It’s comforting sometimes to know that some things will always remain the same.

Nasty rumors have been going around that Vladimir Putin sustained injuries in his heroic bird flight last month, but he is actually fine. Down the street, meanwhile, was one of Romney’s creepy brood of sons, who apparently doesn’t believe in drinking coffee but has no problem making deals with our “number one geopolitical foe.” Hey, it’s business, right? Capitalism.

Denzel Washington, in his latest iconic role, teaches the world’s children that cocaine gives you super powers.

A very lucky blindfolded child has chosen the new pope of the Coptic church in Egypt. We send our best wishes to Bishop Tawadros.

In the Seizing Department, we have two unrelated stories worth mentioning, and maybe even pondering. First, an…aggressive (American) hedge fund stole a ship from Argentina’s navy…in Ghana, in order to, like, collect a debt. Secondly, you may  have missed it because absolutely nobody talked about it, but earlier this year, the nation of Iceland sent out bounty hunters to seize bankers! The audacity of it is far beyond anything we can fathom in our current culture. I think it’s safe to say that both of these occurrences warrant re-visitation at a later date.

It is slowly starting to turn out that, instead of being just another dangerous black thing, the September 11, 2012 incident in Benghazi is actually much more complex than Sammy Davis, Jr. It’s starting to look like that “consulate” was really not a consulate at all, but a CIA joint. The administration was so slow and seemingly reluctant to defend itself because the whole thing was wicked secret. Now, supposing that militants attacked a CIA compound, that would technically mean that this wasn’t really terrorism, strictly speaking. And of course, the whole thing is a problem when it comes to the fact that the secrecy is excessive and the CIA is kinda evil. But for now, that’s neither here nor there. Some days, it’s enough for me for Darrell Issa to look like the dithering idiot that he is.

Finally, as election season draws to a close, Mitt Romney looked freakishly desperate to capture the Cuban-American vote in Florida (which by rights should be theirs already), and then started hedging. What was even more entertaining was when Rupert Murdoch decided, fuck it, let’s just start giving orders openly. Chris Christie decided it wisest to simply obey, but no way in hell was he going to that bullshit loser rally in Morrisville. Mark my words, fellow citizens, we’ll be seeing a lot more of the Fat Tough Man in the years to come.

Best of luck tomorrow, and always remember–take deep breaths and keep the klonapin nearby.

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