Straight from Command Central in the Hobbit Hole, this is Joachim the News Hobbit, bringing you what you need to know.

Events in America in the past seven days can be summarized as follows: America was hysterical and filled with anxiety about a variety of things. Instead of getting hysterical and anxious ourselves covering ground already well TROD, here are some briefs from around the world–things you MAY not have heard of yet.

Yet again, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has won an election fair and square. A former bus driver (and foreign minister) will be his vice president. Let’s hear it for different ways of approaching government, economics, and the world–and hope for the sake of Venezuelans that a fresh approach to daily crime is on the way.

In another victory for Sinaloa Cartel boss Chapo Guzman, Mexican marines killed the leader of the Zetas, an insane rival cartel which may have been trained by US special forces, mostly by accident. Heriberto “The Exectutioner” Lazcano may actually have no longer been the leader of the cartel, and then his body was stolen. Don’t worry about Mexico, though. Everything is fine.

Sub-Lt. Jeffrey Paul Delisle of Canada pleaded guilty on Wednesday to spying on behalf of RussiaRussia was presumably trying to uncover secrets of being a mostly tranquil and wealthy country, and the Russian ambassador to Canada assures us that everything will be fine.

Somalia, which until recently was everyone’s favorite country with no government, now has a prime minister, so think about that and rest easy.

News now from Georgia the country, not the one with Atlanta. Reckless lunatic megalomaniac President Mikheil Saakashvili has been defeated at the polls. You’ll remember Saacky as the guy who started a war with Russia in 2008 and tried to force the US to jump in. In case you’re wondering, this is why Vladimir Putin doesn’t really like him. Also interesting is that the country has enacted changes to the entire structure of their form of government, from a presidential government to a parliamentary one. This should (but likely won’t) make good hobbits everywhere wonder why we can’t make similar constitutional changes here at home in the beacon of democracy we all live in.

That’s all for now–stay tuned for more from Command Central as the week goes on.

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